C-Section Feelings.

So i've written out my birth story, and i thought id write a post on c-sections, and how i felt after mine.

A c section was the last thing on my mind when i went into labour, i didn't want one, i knew very little about them and the thought of it never crossed my mind, so when i was laid on that bed and they told me very seriously that i had no choice but to have one, my body went into complete shock.
I'd seen a c-section performed before on the program one born every minute, but knew very little other than that they cut you open to get baby out. I agreed as i had no choice and wanted my little girl out safely, but as i signed the consent form i felt i was having a complete out of body experience.
I can remember everything as if it was yesterday, clear as anything in my mind.
It just wasn't the birth i had been visioning for the past 9 months.
I felt so disappointed, and strangely disappointed in myself as though it was my fault i couldn't give birth to my daughter the way i wanted. Though i know there was no other choice, i still felt that way.

So once it had been done and they placed my daughter in my arms i felt so strange. I'd imagined feeling a sense of achievement from giving birth when i saw her that id be so overwhelmed by everything, but i didn't. i felt as though id laid there and 10 minutes later they handed me this baby. Where was that rush of love i'd been expecting? ... I knew i loved her so much, from all the time she'd spend in my belly, how could i not, but i felt i'd done nothing to deserve her... almost like i'd taken the 'easy' way out. Though believe me i know it was far from easy. I was terrified i'd lost that chance to have that first connection with my daughter. I held her and looked at her, but to be honest i couldn't connect that baby that had been in my belly, to the one now in my arms. She felt like a stranger to me.    I laid unable to move my lower body, still numb from the spinal. It just was not what i had imagined. So far from it.

As my family came to visit, i was so happy for some normality. But when they all left and i was wheeled down to the birth ward, i felt so lonely. i was so glad dom was allowed to stay for a while. Eventually though it was time for him to leave, and i was scared of being left alone with my tiny human! .. I couldn't move, i couldn't get up to pick her up when she cried, or to lay her down to sleep.   I was told to call for the nurses when i needed her to be picked up to feed, or put down to sleep. i felt like such a burden every time i pressed that call button. I wanted to do it myself, but just could not move from the pain.

The next day i was made to get up from the bed to sit in the chair. It's true what they say, once you have a baby, any dignity you had is soon gone! i hated being made to move. it felt like my stomach would rip apart every time i moved at all. Though i knew if i didn't make the effort i wouldn't be allowed home that night and i couldn't bear another night alone in the hospital. I struggled through the day and it took my ages to get to the toilet and back, i dreaded having to go, but i had to drink a lot to keep my fluids up. Dom kept me going that day from the second i saw his face in the morning. However when they told me my blood pressure was high and they wanted me to stay another night, i just couldn't hold it together anymore and cried. I so badly wanted to get home, so that i would have dom there to help me during the night. They said it was my decision but they recommended that i stay that extra night to be on the safe side. I decided it was better to be safe than sorry, and agreed to stay in. As Dom left once again i dreaded the night ahead. However it wasn't so bad, and i even got some sleep that night!

The next morning, the most happiest nurse i'd ever seen came round and opened all the curtains, chatting and making jokes, it was so nice, i felt in such a happy positive mood! Plus they said i could go home that day!!!

We left the hospital at around 5.30pm and it was so nice to be taking our baby girl home! Though it was a challenge just to walk to the car!

When i went into hospital i deffinately did not expect to be leaving with a huge scar across my belly! The next few weeks were very hard, but i'm so lucky that i had my family and dom to help me out!

Now 4 months on, and my scar is no more than a pink line. My feelings are slowly changing though every now and again i still get that pang of regret that i didn't get the calming birthing pool experience i had longed for. Though i know it all happened for a reason.

So happy to have my little girl and so thankful that everything turned out great.


Things i didn't expect after birth/c-section.

- trapped wind: No no the kind you think! My shoulder was in agony from the surgery, where they press to move the baby down you can get wind trapped in your ribs, and some reason it hurts in your shoulder?! .. Peppermint tea helped me greatly with this!

- welcome back organs! : Though obviously i knew my organs inside had all shifted to make room for the baby, i never knew/thought about what would happen after she came out! The feeling was horrid!! It felt like all my insides had come loose and nothing could figured out quite where it had to go back! Not nice at all!!

- My scar is bleeding, what the heck! : After a week or two i went to the bathroom only to notice blood dripping from my wound, i automatically panicked as you do, thinking my scar had popped open! I feared the worst straight away and imagine having to go back into hospital with Skye. Luckily i went to A&E and they called the hospital to check, but apparently it does happen and is completely normal .. thanks for the warning then!