My Worst Post.

I don't know that I'm ready to write these words, write this post or share my feelings.. so if this sits in my drafts for some time then so be it.

I never thought I would ever have to write a post like this. Not that anyone ever does. I just never thought it would be me.

Two weeks ago today(2/9) I found out that I was pregnant.

I can barely believe it was only two weeks ago. I had my suspicions whilst we were on holiday that I might be, but after being 8 days late my period arrived. It was a very unusual cycle for me, and one that left me still questioning whether I could still be pregnant. Hence why I took the test.

It came back positive and I was over the moon! I couldn't wait to tell Dom the news when he got home from work. I knew he would be shocked as I knew after the holiday there would be no way he would even think I could be pregnant! That night we sat on the sofa and I told him I had something for him, he closed his eyes and I placed the test in his hands. When he opened his eyes, the confusion on his face was clear! He asked how, and I explained the odd cycle I'd had.

He was overjoyed. As was I !!

By my dates I'd already worked out that I was over 6 weeks, a few days off 7 weeks. At this point when I was pregnant with Skye I'd already been sick for 2 weeks, so I was pretty pleased that I might not get the crippling sickness this time around!

The next few days I was so tired, and felt a little sickness creeping in, but nothing I couldn't handle.
Dom and I discussed whether we thought it would be a boy or a girl, whether we still liked the names we'd chosen before, and we decided to let Skye in on the secret!

Despite constantly asking me if I had a baby in my tummy and when she could have a baby brother, she wasn't overly excited when we told her! I was quite surprised, but all she was concerned about was me having to go in to hospital?! I explained it wouldn't be for a long time yet and she seemed to be ok after that.

We decided to tell my mum and dad on the Sunday evening just incase I did get any sickness and needed any help with Skye and Dom was going to ring his family the next day.

Monday morning when I woke up I felt more sick than usual and decided to go and spend the day at mum's so Skye could play with her cousin and I could rest a little. I felt exhausted the whole day and kept saying to my mum that I felt like I couldn't breathe enough. It was a muggy day and I just put it down to being pregnant!

By the time evening came around I couldn't wait to get into bed, Dom and I watched some TV and then decided to go up to bed. I went to the loo and as I was walking back to the bedroom I noticed a light stinging down low in my tummy. I thought it was from my c-section scar as I had read that they can sting when you are pregnant again. I got in to bed and (naughtily) googled why I might be having this odd pain! I didn't really get any answers, so laid down to go to sleep, but as I laid down a sharp pain shot up my right side. It went right up to my shoulder, and it was quite similar to the pain I had felt after having Skye. The pain of trapped wind. I tried to stretch out, and lie in different positions but nothing seemed to work and the pain was becoming unbearable. At this point I had no idea that anything was wrong. I just thought I had extreme trapped wind. I'd had no bleeding so thought it was nothing to do with the baby. In the back of my mind I kept thinking should I call an ambulance but at the same time thinking what if it was just wind?!

As I laid in bed, I kept going from hot to cold and shaking from the pain, I'd asked Dom to get me something for trapped wind, but it hadn't worked. I finally decided I needed to do something and asked Dom to call my dad. He came round as quickly as he could, I think by now it was about 1.30am. He suggested phoning the 111 number for advice, I tried to listen as I could hear Dom speaking on the phone, and he kept asking me questions. When he hung up he told me they were sending an ambulance, and I felt myself begin to panic, something must be wrong?

By now the pain was unbearable, I couldn't move. It felt like forever waiting for the ambulance, and when they arrived they asked so many questions that I felt I couldn't answer. They did some checks and said my blood pressure was extremely low. They wanted to take me in to hospital to be checked and asked if I was ok to walk to the ambulance. I thought I was but the second I tried to get up the pain literally felt like it was ripping my body in half.  They carried me out of my house on one of them chair things and I caught my reflection in my mirror as they carried me down the stairs...

What the hell had happened in those last few hours?!

We stayed in the ambulance for what felt like forever. They did more checks and put one of those needle things in my arm to give me morphine and fluids. All I kept thinking was my dad doesn't know what's happening! I kept looking at Dom, just praying nothing bad was happening. He looked exhausted and frightened. I tried to relax - for some reason I thought that would help?!

Next thing I knew we were driving off and I laid so still the whole way to the hospital, looking at all the things hanging in the ambulance and every so often noticing the blue lights reflecting through the window. Before I knew it we had arrived at the hospital. They wheeled me out of the ambulance and took me straight through to the emergency ward, where I had to lay on another bed and wait for more tests.

They told me there was no one available to give me a scan until the morning so depending on my tests I might be sent home until then. I was determined I wasn't going home until I knew what was wrong and by now it was almost 4am. They kept giving me morphine to ease the pain, but nothing was working, I couldn't move the pain was so intense.

After what felt like forever, they came back and put a hospital bracelet on me and told me I was staying until the morning so I could be scanned. They did an internal check incase I was miscarrying or likely to miscarry soon, but I was told everything looked fine.

They also informed me that I was most likely having a ectopic pregnancy.

I couldn't quite process this in my mind, and was devastated that if this was the case there was nothing I could do. I convinced myself the pain wasn't so bad, and each time they asked I lied at the intensity of it, as if this was going to change anything. I just didn't want it to be true.

Dom had no idea what an ectopic pregnancy was, I barely knew myself, I knew what it was, I knew it wasn't good, I didn't know my life was at risk and I didn't know how much trouble I was currently in.

Once they left Dom and I alone, we sat in silence, I broke the silence by asking if he knew what was happening, he shrugged and I explained. He had remained calm because he didn't understand that if it was ectopic this was the end of the line for us and this little one that we had already fallen so in love with. It felt like I broke his heart with my last few words and I didn't know how to stop it.

We were moved on to a ward to wait for the morning and it was the longest few hours of my life. I begged Dom to try and sleep, literally impossible on a hospital chair I know, but he needed rest. I laid awake and stared at the window, waiting for daylight to appear. I couldn't feel or show any emotion. The second I felt as though I would cry a pain shot through my ribs and I have never felt a pain so intense.

By the time morning came around I was exhausted and unable to move still. I'd had my blood pressure taken more times than I could count and I was fed up. They seemed in no hurry to get me a scan and I felt angry that anything could be happening and they had no idea.

Eventually a doctor came to see me, he explained all sorts to me that I couldn't really understand, and I was told I would be scanned soon. He told me the blood they had taken looked good and usually if the pregnancy is ectopic, it shows up in the bloods. I looked at Dom and he was smiling holding my hand, he said it was good news, and I hated that he'd got his hopes up. I felt myself even begin to think, maybe everything is ok, maybe that's why they're not in any rush, maybe they know I'm fine. In the back of my mind though I knew it wasn't.

By the time the lady had come in with the scanning equipment I didn't really know how to feel. The only other time I'd ever had a scan was when we were pregnant with Skye and that was an enjoyable experience, the two didn't really compare. For a split second I felt excited that we might get to see our baby, things would be ok, but as she rubbed my belly with the scanner, I saw the familiar shapes as I'd seen before, but there was no baby that I could see. She told me, she wouldn't tell us anything until she was sure what she was seeing. It felt like forever, then finally she spoke. She told us she was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. That was it. I felt my heart just sink. She showed us where the baby should be, but it wasn't. She couldn't find it which she said was normal. She warned us to look away as it may be upsetting to see, but I couldn't. This may be the only chance I ever got to see our baby. However we didn't see anything, she said I was full of fluid that shouldn't be there ( I later found out this was where the tube had ruptured and I had a litre of blood that had to be removed)  She advised us that I would have to have surgery to have it removed asap.

And that was that.

She said how sorry she was and that I would be prepped for surgery asap then she left. I looked at Dom and he broke down in tears, I couldn't even look at him because the second I did, I wanted to cry but as soon as any emotions hit me, the pain ripped through my body again, so I laid there and stared at the ceiling trying to think of anything else. Somehow Dom managed to ring my dad and let him know what was happening and quicker than anything else that had happened since coming in, my mum and dad appeared on the ward. My dad's face sent pain ripping through my body again and I begged them not to cry. I just couldn't handle it.

The same doctor that had got our hopes up previously came in again and he explained what would happen, he told me that as well as removing "the pregnancy" they would also need to remove my right fallopian tube, because if it was damaged then leaving it would cause more problems in the future. I had to sign a consent form even though my body was screaming no. I didn't want any of this. I didn't know what any of this meant. Would I still be able to have more children? Would it be harder to conceive? I was terrified. I felt I had no control over anything that was happening to me.
All I had wanted was a baby!!

Once I was ready for surgery, I was told they would come and collect me within the hour. The hour passed and they hadn't come, I was told again within the hour I would be taken down to theatre. We waited and I became more and more anxious. By now the pain was unbearable and I laid there wondering how within three days things had changed so drastically. I was now 7 weeks pregnant. But I soon wouldn't be. Why was this happening to me?

My thoughts were soon interrupted when a team of doctors and nurses walked on to the ward and told me it was time. I kissed Dom goodbye and felt everyones eyes on me as they wheeled my bed off the ward. I could see Dom crying as I left and I felt so alone. I wanted to stay there with him where it felt safe, instead I was put in a room where they surrounded my bed and asked me if I knew what was happening. The next thing I remember is having an oxygen mask held over my face and being told to breathe normally. I remember thinking to myself, well I'm still awake...

I woke up hours later in a room that felt huge. It felt like I couldn't rub my eyes enough and I couldn't wake up. I had no idea what had happened or where Dom was, or even where I was. Soon a nurse appeared and I was wheeled into another room where Dom was waiting with my mum and dad.

Then it hit me. I remembered why I was here and what had happened.



I'll write a follow up post to this one in a few days, just felt this was already pretty long to continue here.

My baby girl is one!

So today my baby girl turned one. ONE. How has a year flown by already? I feel as though I blinked and she went from being a tiny helpless baby, to a little independent girl! She has learnt so much in her first year of life and I'm amazed every day at how smart she is! 

I know all mums (and dads!) will say it, but she truly has changed my life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I felt before I never knew my purpose in life, but now I know and my purpose is to be her mama. It truly is the biggest blessing on earth. 

It scares me really how quickly time has gone by, and I know before I know it she will be ever bigger and even older and need me less and less each day! While it is such a sad thought it is also a gift to watch her grow up! 

So at one year old here are a few things about my girl.

- She loves leopups, like seriously I believe she will be a dog lover! She tries to cuddle him all the time! 

- She isn't walking yet, but is happily and quickly cruising around furniture etc!

- She loves going on the swing at the park!

- Her favourite food is pasta and yum yums! Yum yums are satsumas! She named them yum yums all by herself!! 

- She has a few known words that she associates with the correct things, such as mum, dad, bear, baby, dog, bye bye and ta.

- She is so so so polite!!  Any time you give her something or she wants to pass you something she will say ta!! 

- If she wants a drink she will point at her cup and say "ahhh"

- She says "ahhh" after drinking anything! Lol

- She likes to drink cups of tea!! 

- She has 4 teeth.

- Her favourite items are her muslin cloth, bear and baby (for now!)

- She is still breastfed.

- She usually sleeps through the night. 

- She gives kisses and cuddles if you ask her to, and sometimes does just out of the blue!! 

I hope to put together a post of her first year in pictures but that could take some time to organise!!

Skye you are my absolute world. I love you to the moon and back. 

xxxxx

C-Section Feelings.

So i've written out my birth story, and i thought id write a post on c-sections, and how i felt after mine.

A c section was the last thing on my mind when i went into labour, i didn't want one, i knew very little about them and the thought of it never crossed my mind, so when i was laid on that bed and they told me very seriously that i had no choice but to have one, my body went into complete shock.
I'd seen a c-section performed before on the program one born every minute, but knew very little other than that they cut you open to get baby out. I agreed as i had no choice and wanted my little girl out safely, but as i signed the consent form i felt i was having a complete out of body experience.
I can remember everything as if it was yesterday, clear as anything in my mind.
It just wasn't the birth i had been visioning for the past 9 months.
I felt so disappointed, and strangely disappointed in myself as though it was my fault i couldn't give birth to my daughter the way i wanted. Though i know there was no other choice, i still felt that way.

So once it had been done and they placed my daughter in my arms i felt so strange. I'd imagined feeling a sense of achievement from giving birth when i saw her that id be so overwhelmed by everything, but i didn't. i felt as though id laid there and 10 minutes later they handed me this baby. Where was that rush of love i'd been expecting? ... I knew i loved her so much, from all the time she'd spend in my belly, how could i not, but i felt i'd done nothing to deserve her... almost like i'd taken the 'easy' way out. Though believe me i know it was far from easy. I was terrified i'd lost that chance to have that first connection with my daughter. I held her and looked at her, but to be honest i couldn't connect that baby that had been in my belly, to the one now in my arms. She felt like a stranger to me.    I laid unable to move my lower body, still numb from the spinal. It just was not what i had imagined. So far from it.

As my family came to visit, i was so happy for some normality. But when they all left and i was wheeled down to the birth ward, i felt so lonely. i was so glad dom was allowed to stay for a while. Eventually though it was time for him to leave, and i was scared of being left alone with my tiny human! .. I couldn't move, i couldn't get up to pick her up when she cried, or to lay her down to sleep.   I was told to call for the nurses when i needed her to be picked up to feed, or put down to sleep. i felt like such a burden every time i pressed that call button. I wanted to do it myself, but just could not move from the pain.

The next day i was made to get up from the bed to sit in the chair. It's true what they say, once you have a baby, any dignity you had is soon gone! i hated being made to move. it felt like my stomach would rip apart every time i moved at all. Though i knew if i didn't make the effort i wouldn't be allowed home that night and i couldn't bear another night alone in the hospital. I struggled through the day and it took my ages to get to the toilet and back, i dreaded having to go, but i had to drink a lot to keep my fluids up. Dom kept me going that day from the second i saw his face in the morning. However when they told me my blood pressure was high and they wanted me to stay another night, i just couldn't hold it together anymore and cried. I so badly wanted to get home, so that i would have dom there to help me during the night. They said it was my decision but they recommended that i stay that extra night to be on the safe side. I decided it was better to be safe than sorry, and agreed to stay in. As Dom left once again i dreaded the night ahead. However it wasn't so bad, and i even got some sleep that night!

The next morning, the most happiest nurse i'd ever seen came round and opened all the curtains, chatting and making jokes, it was so nice, i felt in such a happy positive mood! Plus they said i could go home that day!!!

We left the hospital at around 5.30pm and it was so nice to be taking our baby girl home! Though it was a challenge just to walk to the car!

When i went into hospital i deffinately did not expect to be leaving with a huge scar across my belly! The next few weeks were very hard, but i'm so lucky that i had my family and dom to help me out!

Now 4 months on, and my scar is no more than a pink line. My feelings are slowly changing though every now and again i still get that pang of regret that i didn't get the calming birthing pool experience i had longed for. Though i know it all happened for a reason.

So happy to have my little girl and so thankful that everything turned out great.


Things i didn't expect after birth/c-section.

- trapped wind: No no the kind you think! My shoulder was in agony from the surgery, where they press to move the baby down you can get wind trapped in your ribs, and some reason it hurts in your shoulder?! .. Peppermint tea helped me greatly with this!

- welcome back organs! : Though obviously i knew my organs inside had all shifted to make room for the baby, i never knew/thought about what would happen after she came out! The feeling was horrid!! It felt like all my insides had come loose and nothing could figured out quite where it had to go back! Not nice at all!!

- My scar is bleeding, what the heck! : After a week or two i went to the bathroom only to notice blood dripping from my wound, i automatically panicked as you do, thinking my scar had popped open! I feared the worst straight away and imagine having to go back into hospital with Skye. Luckily i went to A&E and they called the hospital to check, but apparently it does happen and is completely normal .. thanks for the warning then!

Birth Story!

I remember during my pregnancy thinking about the birth, but never to an extent that I ever felt worried or scared about it. I loved the idea of going into labour and getting to the hospital to have my little girl. I don’t think I was ever scared about giving birth. Even on the night my waters broke, I wasn’t scared, just very excited! Especially as I was 4 days over due! I went to bed every night thinking tonight could be the night! Then when it finally happened it was so exciting! I wasn’t in too much pain to begin with, contractions were mild and my waters broke at home. I rang the hospital and they said to come in.. YAY! So I got ready, and Dom picked up some last minute things from around the house, and put mine and baby’s bags that I had oh so carefully packed a million times since being on maternity into the car and we set off! 
Contractions got worse in the car, but still not enough to scare me.. I was still buzzing that I would have my little girl in my arms very soon!! As we got to the hospital it was getting harder to walk and we went into the maternity unit and were shown to a bed, they then checked that my waters had definitely gone which they were, and I thought we were finally on our way to becoming parents!… How wrong was I!! I was in go go go mode, and everyone else was calm and relaxed.. it was a waiting game for sure, but after 9 months I was done waiting! I wanted to give birth, I wanted the excitement.. I didn’t want to lie in that bed for hours being strapped to a machine telling me how bad the contractions were..! I already knew, I could feel them! 

So hours went by really quickly and after impatiently waiting in the same bed for hours, they finally told me I was at 4cm’s and I could go to delivery ward…YAY!! Still not scared, just very excited and in the worst pain they wheeled me to delivery suite. Once I arrived there, I could almost see the gas and air glowing at me, calling my name.. but a few puffs made me sick and dizzy.. and then I was told i was only 1cm dilated and would have to go back to where I was previously…. YOU WHAT!!! Goodbye gas and air!! As this was the only pain relief I had wanted, I was gutted to be told it is only available on the delivery suites, so where I was going back to there was none! I was given another injection that would ease the pain and help me sleep for a few hours.. (you’re joking right?!) … anyway back to the wheel chair I went, and back to the ward to wait some more.. (gutted!) ..I laid on the bed, and amazingly did feel drowsy, at least if I slept the time would pass and I would wake up more dilated right? …Well no.. every time I almost fell asleep I woke up from a contraction! …. I laid in the new bed directly opposite from the one I had been in from the start and felt my willpower starting to fade.. eventually I couldn't stand the pain any longer and called the nurse in. They checked me again and to my surprise I was 5cm already! So .. the wheelchair arrived yet again, and feeling as though my baby was falling out of my butt I climbed in and was wheeled back to the delivery suite! However I knew something was wrong, they said they felt fluid on my babies head… (PANIC) .. however this was not the case, she had only gone and turned herself.. hence why one minute I was 4cm and the next only 1! .. They did a scan and she was turned.. I was told by a very serious and scary doctor man, that I had no choice but to have a cesarean. Now.. at this point I was in immense pain.. I was sucking at the gas and air like there was no tomorrow.. I feel everything from here on was a blur. Like I'd left my body and became someone else. Inside I was screaming, on the outside I was nodding that yes I agreed, and signing for them to cut me open and get my baby out. 

While I was pregnant (and before) I had watched many episodes of one born every minute, and every time someone had a cesarean I would say to Dom how much I would hate that to be done to me. 

Now I had no birth plan, I didn’t see the point, in my mind its something you can’t plan and until it happens you don’t know what you’ll want. This proved to be true for me obviously! The only thing I said was that I didn’t want anything more than gas and air, I didn’t want an epidural, I was scared of the risks of ending up paralysed, although I know that's rare, I just didn’t want to take the chance. Now here I was being wheeled into theatre. Sitting on the edge of the bed, while they injected me with the spinal, and I felt my legs go numb before they laid me down. I felt all the things I didn’t want were happening to me in the worst way, yet I laid there with my eyes fixed on Dom, watching as tears fell from his eyes, i knew i couldn’t do the same, I didn't want him to know I was scared. I felt I had to be strong for him, and for our daughter. He sat helplessly holding my hand as I was shaking like a leaf from the medicines. It felt like seconds when I heard her little cry and the doctor stood beside me showing me this tiny purple looking baby! She squealed a little more and Dom was told to go and see her, I tried to turn my head but could only see the edge of the plastic baby cot, I had no idea what was going on with my daughter, all I could feel was tugging and pulling at my stomach. 

Minutes later Dom returned next to me with our daughter wrapped in a towel wearing a tiny pink hat, and I managed to stroke her tiny cheek when she was held next to me. It felt like forever while they finished cleaning me up but finally they were done and I was moved to another bed to be wheeled back to my room. I still had no feeling in my legs or lower body, but barely even noticed as they placed my little girl in my arms for the first time and wheeled us both out back to our room. 

My heart felt fit to burst. And as we were left for the first few minutes alone, it began to sink in what had just happened to me. I felt ecstatic, excited, so full of love for this little one, yet at the same time, sad, lonely and disappointed. I couldn’t understand why and all I could do was put on a brave face and smile gratefully as everyone told me how well I'd done, despite not feeling that way at all. 

Let's go back to the start...!

23rd March 2013

I'd had my suspicions for around a week that we may be pregnant, but didn't want to say anything to Dom until I was more sure. I'd been at work and it'd been a long day, I was super tired and sure I knew why, I mentioned to Dom that I was a few days late.. His eyes lit up and I was dreading being wrong about this! It was a Wednesday night, and we decided to give it a few more days, and take the test at the weekend when we were both home so either way we could spend time together after.

The next few days dragged and we went to bed every night excited for the weekend, even though I was already convinced I was pregnant! 

So the weekend came around (FINALLY!) and I woke up at 6am, I'd heard it was best to take the test first thing in the morning, and not only was I dying to know for sure, I was dying for a wee! I woke up Dom and said I had to go, so I had to take the test now, he went from asleep to awake in seconds!

I went into the bathroom and thought of all the films where they sit waiting for ages to get the results!  I seriously thought it would take longer! I was nervous and excited all at once.. either way this was about to get real!

Literally no sooner had I pee'd on the stick, two very distinctive lines appeared and there was no more doubt about it...WE WERE PREGNANT!!!

I tried to keep a straight face as I walked back into the bedroom, it was even harder to keep a straight face once I saw Dom sat up in bed, with the look of utter terror on his face! He said he was trying to guess the answer by the look on my face! When I finally told him, he was over the moon! We sat hugging for ages and every time we looked at each other our grins just got bigger and bigger! 

We decided not to tell people for a little while longer.. little did I know though just how hard a secret I was about to try and keep!!