Life after loss..

 

I have wanted to write this post for a while now, just to sort of finish off my previous post and feel like I had said all I wanted to.

As it is international pregnancy and baby loss awareness week and the week is coming to an end I figured now would be an appropriate time for this.

It's not so much to share my story as I have already done that previously, but more to share how I felt after my experience.

I remember the following days in hospital being very strange, the only other time I had stayed in hospital was after I had had Skye, and this felt very similar, only I didn't have a newborn to distract me from surgery pain. I remember feeling such a dejavu of feelings, the way I had been told to get up and move were all so similar to what I was told after having my c-section. I couldn't quite get my head around not being pregnant anymore and still having to suffer. There were a few people who said "try not to think about it" but how could I not?! For the first few days I had the horrid trapped wind shoulder pain every time I got up and I had four wounds where they had cut in to my stomach for surgery. These were all covered so I couldn't even see the extent of what lay beneath either which worried me also!

Coming home was strange also, it was like I had been away from home for ages, I missed my baby girl and couldn't wait to see her. I had only seen her once since being in hospital and it was so strange not seeing her for three days, I haven't spend a day apart from her since she was born so this was also another thing to add to the pile of emotions I was feeling.

The first night home was probably the worst. It's almost as though being in hospital makes you numb to everything, nothing is familiar so you don't feel out of sorts, but at home it's a different story. Once Skye was in bed, I went in to my room for the first time since coming home, and it was as though all my emotions hit me at once. I found it hard being sat exactly where I was when my first pains started and it was as though all the memories came rushing back in a flash. I began to wonder how I was going to cope! Luckily after a lot of tears and reassurance from Dom I began to feel much better.

It took me around four weeks to fully heal from the surgery and I am so thankful to Dom and my family for all their help and support.

I still find it strange to talk about it, having an ectopic pregnancy feels like a different story to someone who has had a misscarriage, and I almost felt silly saying I had lost a baby. People didn't really ever mention that part to me and I felt a little like the most important fact was over looked because I'd had surgery that was what people focused on. I know it's a difficult subject and people don't know how to talk about it, but sometimes I felt a little as though they had forgotten that I was pregnant at all!

I'm lucky to have such a supportive husband and we talk about it a lot still and I'm glad we both feel the same that we want to remember this little one as a part of our family and not just a loss or something terrible that happened. Obviously Skye knew I was pregnant, and she did ask Dom the first night I was away if I was bringing the baby home, which was so upsetting, but I didn't see any point in lying to her, we wanted to be as honest as we could. We explained that the baby was too poorly and has had to go and live in the sky. She understands and I think being honest has been for the best. She doesn't keep asking where the baby is anymore and I like to think she's made peace with where the baby has gone as well.

Sending love to anyone who has lost a baby in whatever way - not only the mamas but the papas too because I think sometimes they get forgotten in the sadness. xxx