My Worst Post.

I don't know that I'm ready to write these words, write this post or share my feelings.. so if this sits in my drafts for some time then so be it.

I never thought I would ever have to write a post like this. Not that anyone ever does. I just never thought it would be me.

Two weeks ago today(2/9) I found out that I was pregnant.

I can barely believe it was only two weeks ago. I had my suspicions whilst we were on holiday that I might be, but after being 8 days late my period arrived. It was a very unusual cycle for me, and one that left me still questioning whether I could still be pregnant. Hence why I took the test.

It came back positive and I was over the moon! I couldn't wait to tell Dom the news when he got home from work. I knew he would be shocked as I knew after the holiday there would be no way he would even think I could be pregnant! That night we sat on the sofa and I told him I had something for him, he closed his eyes and I placed the test in his hands. When he opened his eyes, the confusion on his face was clear! He asked how, and I explained the odd cycle I'd had.

He was overjoyed. As was I !!

By my dates I'd already worked out that I was over 6 weeks, a few days off 7 weeks. At this point when I was pregnant with Skye I'd already been sick for 2 weeks, so I was pretty pleased that I might not get the crippling sickness this time around!

The next few days I was so tired, and felt a little sickness creeping in, but nothing I couldn't handle.
Dom and I discussed whether we thought it would be a boy or a girl, whether we still liked the names we'd chosen before, and we decided to let Skye in on the secret!

Despite constantly asking me if I had a baby in my tummy and when she could have a baby brother, she wasn't overly excited when we told her! I was quite surprised, but all she was concerned about was me having to go in to hospital?! I explained it wouldn't be for a long time yet and she seemed to be ok after that.

We decided to tell my mum and dad on the Sunday evening just incase I did get any sickness and needed any help with Skye and Dom was going to ring his family the next day.

Monday morning when I woke up I felt more sick than usual and decided to go and spend the day at mum's so Skye could play with her cousin and I could rest a little. I felt exhausted the whole day and kept saying to my mum that I felt like I couldn't breathe enough. It was a muggy day and I just put it down to being pregnant!

By the time evening came around I couldn't wait to get into bed, Dom and I watched some TV and then decided to go up to bed. I went to the loo and as I was walking back to the bedroom I noticed a light stinging down low in my tummy. I thought it was from my c-section scar as I had read that they can sting when you are pregnant again. I got in to bed and (naughtily) googled why I might be having this odd pain! I didn't really get any answers, so laid down to go to sleep, but as I laid down a sharp pain shot up my right side. It went right up to my shoulder, and it was quite similar to the pain I had felt after having Skye. The pain of trapped wind. I tried to stretch out, and lie in different positions but nothing seemed to work and the pain was becoming unbearable. At this point I had no idea that anything was wrong. I just thought I had extreme trapped wind. I'd had no bleeding so thought it was nothing to do with the baby. In the back of my mind I kept thinking should I call an ambulance but at the same time thinking what if it was just wind?!

As I laid in bed, I kept going from hot to cold and shaking from the pain, I'd asked Dom to get me something for trapped wind, but it hadn't worked. I finally decided I needed to do something and asked Dom to call my dad. He came round as quickly as he could, I think by now it was about 1.30am. He suggested phoning the 111 number for advice, I tried to listen as I could hear Dom speaking on the phone, and he kept asking me questions. When he hung up he told me they were sending an ambulance, and I felt myself begin to panic, something must be wrong?

By now the pain was unbearable, I couldn't move. It felt like forever waiting for the ambulance, and when they arrived they asked so many questions that I felt I couldn't answer. They did some checks and said my blood pressure was extremely low. They wanted to take me in to hospital to be checked and asked if I was ok to walk to the ambulance. I thought I was but the second I tried to get up the pain literally felt like it was ripping my body in half.  They carried me out of my house on one of them chair things and I caught my reflection in my mirror as they carried me down the stairs...

What the hell had happened in those last few hours?!

We stayed in the ambulance for what felt like forever. They did more checks and put one of those needle things in my arm to give me morphine and fluids. All I kept thinking was my dad doesn't know what's happening! I kept looking at Dom, just praying nothing bad was happening. He looked exhausted and frightened. I tried to relax - for some reason I thought that would help?!

Next thing I knew we were driving off and I laid so still the whole way to the hospital, looking at all the things hanging in the ambulance and every so often noticing the blue lights reflecting through the window. Before I knew it we had arrived at the hospital. They wheeled me out of the ambulance and took me straight through to the emergency ward, where I had to lay on another bed and wait for more tests.

They told me there was no one available to give me a scan until the morning so depending on my tests I might be sent home until then. I was determined I wasn't going home until I knew what was wrong and by now it was almost 4am. They kept giving me morphine to ease the pain, but nothing was working, I couldn't move the pain was so intense.

After what felt like forever, they came back and put a hospital bracelet on me and told me I was staying until the morning so I could be scanned. They did an internal check incase I was miscarrying or likely to miscarry soon, but I was told everything looked fine.

They also informed me that I was most likely having a ectopic pregnancy.

I couldn't quite process this in my mind, and was devastated that if this was the case there was nothing I could do. I convinced myself the pain wasn't so bad, and each time they asked I lied at the intensity of it, as if this was going to change anything. I just didn't want it to be true.

Dom had no idea what an ectopic pregnancy was, I barely knew myself, I knew what it was, I knew it wasn't good, I didn't know my life was at risk and I didn't know how much trouble I was currently in.

Once they left Dom and I alone, we sat in silence, I broke the silence by asking if he knew what was happening, he shrugged and I explained. He had remained calm because he didn't understand that if it was ectopic this was the end of the line for us and this little one that we had already fallen so in love with. It felt like I broke his heart with my last few words and I didn't know how to stop it.

We were moved on to a ward to wait for the morning and it was the longest few hours of my life. I begged Dom to try and sleep, literally impossible on a hospital chair I know, but he needed rest. I laid awake and stared at the window, waiting for daylight to appear. I couldn't feel or show any emotion. The second I felt as though I would cry a pain shot through my ribs and I have never felt a pain so intense.

By the time morning came around I was exhausted and unable to move still. I'd had my blood pressure taken more times than I could count and I was fed up. They seemed in no hurry to get me a scan and I felt angry that anything could be happening and they had no idea.

Eventually a doctor came to see me, he explained all sorts to me that I couldn't really understand, and I was told I would be scanned soon. He told me the blood they had taken looked good and usually if the pregnancy is ectopic, it shows up in the bloods. I looked at Dom and he was smiling holding my hand, he said it was good news, and I hated that he'd got his hopes up. I felt myself even begin to think, maybe everything is ok, maybe that's why they're not in any rush, maybe they know I'm fine. In the back of my mind though I knew it wasn't.

By the time the lady had come in with the scanning equipment I didn't really know how to feel. The only other time I'd ever had a scan was when we were pregnant with Skye and that was an enjoyable experience, the two didn't really compare. For a split second I felt excited that we might get to see our baby, things would be ok, but as she rubbed my belly with the scanner, I saw the familiar shapes as I'd seen before, but there was no baby that I could see. She told me, she wouldn't tell us anything until she was sure what she was seeing. It felt like forever, then finally she spoke. She told us she was worried about an ectopic pregnancy. That was it. I felt my heart just sink. She showed us where the baby should be, but it wasn't. She couldn't find it which she said was normal. She warned us to look away as it may be upsetting to see, but I couldn't. This may be the only chance I ever got to see our baby. However we didn't see anything, she said I was full of fluid that shouldn't be there ( I later found out this was where the tube had ruptured and I had a litre of blood that had to be removed)  She advised us that I would have to have surgery to have it removed asap.

And that was that.

She said how sorry she was and that I would be prepped for surgery asap then she left. I looked at Dom and he broke down in tears, I couldn't even look at him because the second I did, I wanted to cry but as soon as any emotions hit me, the pain ripped through my body again, so I laid there and stared at the ceiling trying to think of anything else. Somehow Dom managed to ring my dad and let him know what was happening and quicker than anything else that had happened since coming in, my mum and dad appeared on the ward. My dad's face sent pain ripping through my body again and I begged them not to cry. I just couldn't handle it.

The same doctor that had got our hopes up previously came in again and he explained what would happen, he told me that as well as removing "the pregnancy" they would also need to remove my right fallopian tube, because if it was damaged then leaving it would cause more problems in the future. I had to sign a consent form even though my body was screaming no. I didn't want any of this. I didn't know what any of this meant. Would I still be able to have more children? Would it be harder to conceive? I was terrified. I felt I had no control over anything that was happening to me.
All I had wanted was a baby!!

Once I was ready for surgery, I was told they would come and collect me within the hour. The hour passed and they hadn't come, I was told again within the hour I would be taken down to theatre. We waited and I became more and more anxious. By now the pain was unbearable and I laid there wondering how within three days things had changed so drastically. I was now 7 weeks pregnant. But I soon wouldn't be. Why was this happening to me?

My thoughts were soon interrupted when a team of doctors and nurses walked on to the ward and told me it was time. I kissed Dom goodbye and felt everyones eyes on me as they wheeled my bed off the ward. I could see Dom crying as I left and I felt so alone. I wanted to stay there with him where it felt safe, instead I was put in a room where they surrounded my bed and asked me if I knew what was happening. The next thing I remember is having an oxygen mask held over my face and being told to breathe normally. I remember thinking to myself, well I'm still awake...

I woke up hours later in a room that felt huge. It felt like I couldn't rub my eyes enough and I couldn't wake up. I had no idea what had happened or where Dom was, or even where I was. Soon a nurse appeared and I was wheeled into another room where Dom was waiting with my mum and dad.

Then it hit me. I remembered why I was here and what had happened.



I'll write a follow up post to this one in a few days, just felt this was already pretty long to continue here.