I remember during my pregnancy thinking about the birth, but never to an extent that I ever felt worried or scared about it. I loved the idea of going into labour and getting to the hospital to have my little girl. I don’t think I was ever scared about giving birth. Even on the night my waters broke, I wasn’t scared, just very excited! Especially as I was 4 days over due! I went to bed every night thinking tonight could be the night! Then when it finally happened it was so exciting! I wasn’t in too much pain to begin with, contractions were mild and my waters broke at home. I rang the hospital and they said to come in.. YAY! So I got ready, and Dom picked up some last minute things from around the house, and put mine and baby’s bags that I had oh so carefully packed a million times since being on maternity into the car and we set off!
Contractions got worse in the car, but still not enough to scare me.. I was still buzzing that I would have my little girl in my arms very soon!! As we got to the hospital it was getting harder to walk and we went into the maternity unit and were shown to a bed, they then checked that my waters had definitely gone which they were, and I thought we were finally on our way to becoming parents!… How wrong was I!! I was in go go go mode, and everyone else was calm and relaxed.. it was a waiting game for sure, but after 9 months I was done waiting! I wanted to give birth, I wanted the excitement.. I didn’t want to lie in that bed for hours being strapped to a machine telling me how bad the contractions were..! I already knew, I could feel them!
So hours went by really quickly and after impatiently waiting in the same bed for hours, they finally told me I was at 4cm’s and I could go to delivery ward…YAY!! Still not scared, just very excited and in the worst pain they wheeled me to delivery suite. Once I arrived there, I could almost see the gas and air glowing at me, calling my name.. but a few puffs made me sick and dizzy.. and then I was told i was only 1cm dilated and would have to go back to where I was previously…. YOU WHAT!!! Goodbye gas and air!! As this was the only pain relief I had wanted, I was gutted to be told it is only available on the delivery suites, so where I was going back to there was none! I was given another injection that would ease the pain and help me sleep for a few hours.. (you’re joking right?!) … anyway back to the wheel chair I went, and back to the ward to wait some more.. (gutted!) ..I laid on the bed, and amazingly did feel drowsy, at least if I slept the time would pass and I would wake up more dilated right? …Well no.. every time I almost fell asleep I woke up from a contraction! …. I laid in the new bed directly opposite from the one I had been in from the start and felt my willpower starting to fade.. eventually I couldn't stand the pain any longer and called the nurse in. They checked me again and to my surprise I was 5cm already! So .. the wheelchair arrived yet again, and feeling as though my baby was falling out of my butt I climbed in and was wheeled back to the delivery suite! However I knew something was wrong, they said they felt fluid on my babies head… (PANIC) .. however this was not the case, she had only gone and turned herself.. hence why one minute I was 4cm and the next only 1! .. They did a scan and she was turned.. I was told by a very serious and scary doctor man, that I had no choice but to have a cesarean. Now.. at this point I was in immense pain.. I was sucking at the gas and air like there was no tomorrow.. I feel everything from here on was a blur. Like I'd left my body and became someone else. Inside I was screaming, on the outside I was nodding that yes I agreed, and signing for them to cut me open and get my baby out.
While I was pregnant (and before) I had watched many episodes of one born every minute, and every time someone had a cesarean I would say to Dom how much I would hate that to be done to me.
Now I had no birth plan, I didn’t see the point, in my mind its something you can’t plan and until it happens you don’t know what you’ll want. This proved to be true for me obviously! The only thing I said was that I didn’t want anything more than gas and air, I didn’t want an epidural, I was scared of the risks of ending up paralysed, although I know that's rare, I just didn’t want to take the chance. Now here I was being wheeled into theatre. Sitting on the edge of the bed, while they injected me with the spinal, and I felt my legs go numb before they laid me down. I felt all the things I didn’t want were happening to me in the worst way, yet I laid there with my eyes fixed on Dom, watching as tears fell from his eyes, i knew i couldn’t do the same, I didn't want him to know I was scared. I felt I had to be strong for him, and for our daughter. He sat helplessly holding my hand as I was shaking like a leaf from the medicines. It felt like seconds when I heard her little cry and the doctor stood beside me showing me this tiny purple looking baby! She squealed a little more and Dom was told to go and see her, I tried to turn my head but could only see the edge of the plastic baby cot, I had no idea what was going on with my daughter, all I could feel was tugging and pulling at my stomach.
Minutes later Dom returned next to me with our daughter wrapped in a towel wearing a tiny pink hat, and I managed to stroke her tiny cheek when she was held next to me. It felt like forever while they finished cleaning me up but finally they were done and I was moved to another bed to be wheeled back to my room. I still had no feeling in my legs or lower body, but barely even noticed as they placed my little girl in my arms for the first time and wheeled us both out back to our room.
My heart felt fit to burst. And as we were left for the first few minutes alone, it began to sink in what had just happened to me. I felt ecstatic, excited, so full of love for this little one, yet at the same time, sad, lonely and disappointed. I couldn’t understand why and all I could do was put on a brave face and smile gratefully as everyone told me how well I'd done, despite not feeling that way at all.
